I am Not a Jew with Trembling Knees

8 Minute Read

What does it mean to choose Judaism in a time when simply existing as a Jew is dangerous?

On June 19th, 2025, San Antonio police and the FBI arrested a suspect accused of planning a mass shooting at the Barshop Jewish Community Center. [Read the article here]
​
That is less than an hour from me. I know people in that community.

So, what does one do with that information? How does a community process it? Are San Antonio Jews meant to respond directly to the threat? Are they supposed to ignore it and go about their business? I ask these questions as someone in the process of converting to Judaism; from a position of genuine curiosity and concern.   

Antisemitism is not new. Everyone knows it exists, and that it has morphed and adapted over thousands of years. While I do cite some recent data here, I’m not writing as a researcher. 

I’m writing as someone choosing to become a Jew, now, in real time, and grappling with the reality of what that means. 

Next Shabbat, the last one in the month of June, there will be a combined service of the two local Reform temples in Austin to celebrate Pride month. I am gay and have been with my wife for over ten years. I don’t participate in Pride events to any great extent other than one-offs on random years. It’s not my thing. I’m a Pisces married to a Taurus. We like being safe at home surrounded by snacks and cats. That said, it takes all kinds to make the world go ‘round and I am grateful Pride exists for the people who enjoy and need it. 
 
Back to Shabbat. I am used to attending service in a well-secured enclave. Security guards protect the entrance to the Jewish community center and roam the campus to ensure there are no shenanigans, terrorists, or general disruptors. I appreciate this feature. It makes me feel more comfortable and helps me to focus on the reason I came to the campus in the first place, whether it be studying, worship, or shopping. 

That protection does not exist everywhere. Not even at every Jewish place of worship. And while I am not asking or hoping for armed guards roving the sanctuary, if we consider the recent attack in Pittsburgh, a community synagogue with minimal security, we see plainly the carnage one insane person with an agenda is capable of. 

So, for the first time since I was in an active combat zone, I am nervous to be in a place. 

Anti-Zionism vs Antisemitism: Where the Line Blurs

I am nervous to attend the Pride service next week. That upsets me. It also upsets me that I am hesitant to be visibly Jewish in public. Note, I did not say visibly Zionist in public. I said visibly Jewish. For, as much as the movement with which I previously aligned insists that anti-Zionism is not antisemitism, you would be hard pressed to find the ideological distinctions in practice. What do I mean by that? 

Here is a brief ADL sourced list of specific (recent) attacks where the targets were existing as Jews, not presenting as pro-Israeli or pro-Zionist:
 
October 26, 2024, Chicago, Illinois: Sidi Mohamed Abdallahi shot a Jewish man walking to his synagogue and then opened fire on responding police and paramedics.

September 4, 2024, New York, New York: As part of a two-country investigation, Canadian authorities arrested a Pakistani citizen, Muhammad Shahzeb Khan, while he was trying to cross the border into the United States, allegedly as part of a planned mass shooting against a Jewish target in New York to support ISIS.

July 16, 2024, New York, New York: Federal authorities charged Michail Chkhikvishvili, a citizen of the nation of Georgia, with soliciting hate crimes and mass violence.  According to authorities, Chkhikvishvili attempted to recruit others to poison Jewish children and commit a mass casualty attack in New York City. He also allegedly encouraged bombings, arson and poisonings against Jews, racial minorities and homeless people.

November 18, 2022. New York, New York:  Authorities arrested white supremacist Christopher Brown and in November 2024, he pleaded guilty and was sentenced to 10 years in state prison for possessing a firearm as part of a plan to “shoot up” a Manhattan synagogue.

June 17, 2022.  Struthers, Ohio: Alerted by the FBI, police in Struthers, Ohio, arrested a teenager live streaming a video in which he allegedly announced he was going to kill his father and take his van, then shoot at Black people before conducting a mass shooting at a synagogue. Police allegedly found two handguns that had racist and antisemitic symbols and messages on them, as well as a document variously described as a journal and a manifesto.

June 10, 2022. Brookhaven, New York: Authorities arrested Matthew Belanger in Long Island, New York, on weapons charges. Prosecutors say Belanger was a white supremacist who, while a Marine, plotted to attack a synagogue in New York.

January 15, 2022. Colleyville, Texas: British citizen Malik Faisal Akram took four people hostage at Congregation Beth Israel synagogue in Colleyville, Texas, claiming to have weapons and bombs. He subsequently demanded that suspected Al Qaeda courier Aafia Siddiqui be released from the nearby federal prison where she was being held. After a day-long ordeal, the hostages were able to escape the building, and Akram was killed by law enforcement. Akram apparently chose the location because, he claimed, "America only cares about Jewish lives."

October 31, 2021. Austin, Texas: In November 2023, Franklin Barrett Sechriest pleaded guilty in the 2021 arson attack on Congregation Beth Israel, which caused $25,000 in damage, and was sentenced to 10 years in prison. Authorities say Sechriest had stickers with white supremacist propaganda and symbols in his possession, as well as journals containing racist and antisemitic writings.

My final example of the lack of differentiation between anti-Zionism and antisemitism is the Arabic chant often heard at Pro-Palestinian rallies throughout the U.S and Europe. It recalls the 7th century slaughter of Jews in Khaybar, Arabia by Muslims. “Khaybar, Khaybar ya Yahud!” 

Recall, there was no longer a Jewish kingdom let alone Jewish political autonomy in Eretz Yisrael in 628 C.E. when this battle occurred. Jews had been conquered and expelled from their homeland many times over by different imperial powers and existed primarily in diaspora. They were essentially powerless. And although they would conquer the Levant shortly after, Muslim Arabs had not yet begun their colonial expansion beyond Arabia at the time of this historic battle. Further, there is zero documentation of the Khaybar cry being used at any point during the Islamic conquests. “Khaybar, Khaybar ya Yahud!” is a modern invention.     

Yahud means Jew. 
Not Zionist. Not Israeli. 
Jew.

So the modern creation and use of the Khaybar cry by anti-Zionists raises two questions, “Why are Pro-Palestinians using a rallying cry against Jews generally when their target is Zionists?” And, when viewed from a historical lens, “Does it make sense to conflate a war slogan that applied to a specific marginalized Arabian Jewish community with a modern anti-imperialist, anti-Zionist ideology?” 

It makes sense if you accept that, from the perspective of those who would wish to do me harm, anti-Zionism and antisemitism are the same thing. That statement does not negate the fact that some Jews do not identify with Zionism or that Zionism has multiple meanings for different people. Semantics aside, my realization of this truth is what pulled me out of my previous ideological alignment with the Anti-Zionist collective. I could no longer, in good conscience, advocate for or associate with an ideology that refused to admonish those who would promote genocidal rhetoric.  

Here is a small collection of the Khaybar cry for you to see it and hear it for yourself to contextualize it:
NYC 2014 - 1:07
London 2017 - .0:15
NYC 2017 - 1:28
NYC 2011 - :22
NYC 2009 - :37
Berlin 2023 - :01
Unlisted location posted in 2023- :19

I suppose now I can answer the question I started with:

What does it mean to choose Judaism in a time when simply existing as a Jew is dangerous?

It means understanding that danger has always been part of Jewish existence. It means knowing that I will be hated for being Jewish. I will be hated for being Zionist. I will be called a colonizer here in America. And I will be called a colonizer if I choose to live in Israel. Anti-Zionism/antisemitism is a two-sided coin, and no matter how I flip it, someone will say I lose. The only way I can appease those who would do me harm is by negating my Judaism entirely, and I can assure you that will not happen.    
So I will leave you with a song made from the words of Hasidic Rabbi Nachman of Bratslav (1772-1810):
“The entire world is a narrow bridge; the essential thing is not to fear at all.”